Everybody has a brand of sex that works best for them, and mine is both rough and degrading. I don’t and won’t disparage those of you who are not into rough and degrading sex, if that’s not your thing, that’s fine. This blog post ain’t for you.
I’m aware that a lot of women branch out into rough and degrading sex during role-play or when they’re trying new things. For me, branching out is romantic sex. I don’t partake in it very often and even when I do there is still a little degradation and roughness. It’s never 100% romantic (or vanilla), if it was I wouldn’t consent to it. It’s not my thing. There are a lot of moving pieces in order for me to have successful rough and degrading sex. In an attempt to be (somewhat) concise I have narrowed it down to five important topics.
The Art of Choking
I love everything about choking, whether I’m being choked or I’m the one doing the choking. This is a sex necessity for me, so I feel it’s only right that I provide a little bit of knowledge on this area. I have only been with three men who knew how to choke me properly, I’ve been teaching men the art of choking for longer than I’d like to admit. This is why I always tell people to do their research when it comes to sex because you need to have a starting point. Whether you are the choker or the one being choked, you need to know the proper technique.
When choking your partner make sure you are impacting blood circulation, NOT oxygen. You should be applying pressure to the sides of the neck on the carotid arteries NOT the middle of the neck where the windpipe is. The pleasure derived from being fucked and choked comes from stopping the blood circulation because it creates a euphoric state and it is fucking lit, but your partner should not be gasping for air. If so, you may be crushing his/her windpipe, which means you’re doing it wrong. Stop and try again. Be mindful of the amount of pressure and how long you’re applying that pressure. Anything longer than 5-7 seconds could cause your partner to pass out. If you’re into that then cool, but that is not something I would recommend unless you are well versed in kink, in which case…don’t mind me at all lol. When you have your hand wrapped around your partner’s neck, your thumb and pointer finger should be gently pressing on the sides of the neck with the inner web of your hand lightly, and I do mean very lightly applying pressure to the windpipe. The pressure on the carotid arteries should be gradual, work ya way up. If it feels like it’s a bit TEW MURCH be vocal and tell your partner to stop.
This is a big deal for me, because I talk a lot, even during sex lol so I need the language to be a turn-on at all times otherwise I’m immediately repulsed and the sex has to stop. So I have a few rules that my sexual partners have to abide by.
- Don’t tell me you love me – You can love me when we’re done or before we start, but I don’t wanna hear that shit during sex. Save it. It is literally and figuratively not the fucking time.
- Don’t call me beautiful – I think it is very sweet of men to acknowledge beauty when their balls deep in some pussy, but I also find it very performative. Again, save it. Focus on the task at hand. If you’re gonna call me beautiful give it context, “you look beautiful taking this dick” or “your lips look beautiful wrapped around my dick” anything to that effect.
- Call me out my name – The only time, and I do mean the ONLY time I ever allow a man to call me out my name is during sex. Sometimes this throws men off because I’m a feminist, but feminism does not prohibit sexual acts. I’m giving my consent to the men I have sex with to call me a bitch, slut, hoe, and everything else but a child of God. That’s my choice. Men that don’t understand this usually don’t get far with me. I don’t have time for the immaturity or them ignoring my agency.
- I’m gonna talk shit – Like I said, I like to talk. You will get the brunt of it and I’m gonna talk shit like I usually do. You will be called a variation of weak, punk, or fuck niggas, and you will deal. I will cuss at you, a lot, and you will also deal. This turns me on, I usually do it to get a rise out of my partner(s). I also expect my partner(s) to talk shit too, you gotta dish it and take it when you’re fucking with me.
The key word here is “slight” because I don’t exactly subscribe to all sadomasochism principles. So this is usually something that I have to go over several times with my sexual partner(s) because men are men, lol I don’t mind being spanked, slapped, choked, restrained, or gagged during sex, but only if I can do it too. Yes, I get pleasure from choking men, slapping men, and gagging men, among other things. Rough and degrading sex isn’t satisfying if it ONLY happens to me, I wanna do it too. Give and take my friends.
Power & Submission
So this is a big one for me, for a lot of reasons, which I won’t get into here, but I will say this: power is one hell of a drug.
A man who encompasses true power is something to behold both in your mouth and between your legs.
There’s no real definition for true power, but when you’re around it you know it and that shit will bring you to your knees. A man of true power doesn’t have to broadcast it. I can sense it and I’ll submit without so much as a second thought. I only respond to true power during sex because I know that the power doesn’t make him, he makes the power. Therefore, he doesn’t infringe on my agency or autonomy during sex, I can’t be anything but satisfied.
The biggest part of submission is trust. I have never and will never submit to a man I don’t trust. If his words don’t match his actions I’m immediately turned off, I don’t care how attractive he is. I don’t want just actions and I don’t want just words, I need both, and they need to be in sync. If I can’t trust you, I’m not fucking you. I can say without hesitation that a truly powerful man will provide both without guidance, and that translates to sex.
You will not have to teach him how to please you, he will be present, effectively vocalize his needs and wants and he will ask for (and satisfy) your needs and wants as well. It will truly be partnered sex, communication and pleasure through and through. Once I sense a man’s power and the level of trust is established I will become a hole for his dick if that’s what he wants, nothing is off limits because I trust him enough to satisfy me sexually.
The idea of heeling to a man that is truly powerful is a turn-on in its own right.
I’ve only been with three men who I consider truly powerful, and it’s important to note that a truly powerful man is powerful in his own right and acknowledges your personhood. He will not use his power to abuse you, please be weary of false prophets! Unless you have previously talked about going beyond spanking and slapping be cautious about men who have abusive tendencies.
Now let’s get to the most important part of rough and degrading sex.
Communication – Safe Word(s)
Rough and degrading sex should not be approached without communicating with your partner(s) and establishing boundaries and safe words. This communication should not be one-sided, don’t dominate the conversation and don’t allow your partner to dominate either. Be honest about what you do or don’t like. Whatever it is you’re into you need to be honest about it because if not, you risk the chance of unsatisfying sex and being taken advantage of. Das Nah! Take my advice, figure out what you like and don’t like, find a mature partner, and talk it out before you fuck it out.
Given the use of hitting, shit talking, and submission you may be put in compromising situations, and even though you have consented that doesn’t mean you can’t retract that consent. The best way to do so is by using safe words. Words other than no, stop, or anything to that effect, because during rough sex you’ll probably be saying those words in a different context than they are normally used. So you should work with your partner to come up with different words to use.
Using a safe word is ideal because you can have more than one to direct your partner during sex. Have a word to let your partner know when you’ve reached your limit, signaling him/her to ease up a bit and have a word that means to stop completely so you can get yourself together. If you haven’t noticed this ever-present trend throughout my sex blogs, communication is K E Y.
The main goal of rough and degrading sex (for me) is to be sexually satisfied free of inhibitions. I don’t limit or restrict myself when it comes to being sexually satisfied. (been there done that) That’s why I’m so transparent and unapologetic when it comes to sex, because EYE deserve! So do you!
I’m in my natural state when I have sex, talking shit and having the fucking time of my life. If rough and degrading sex isn’t your thing, that’s cool, but allow my honesty to inspire you to be introspective and honest about what you like and dislike about sex. We all deserve the best sex of our lives, whatever your “thing” is take the time to ponder on it and work on being honest about it.
How do you get down? Let ya girl know!