The common narrative around taking dick is often one that reeks of rape culture. Since this month is about challenging sex stigmas, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to challenge one of the most idiotic sex concepts ever: taking dick.
More often than not men are the ones who perpetuate the idea that women can’t take dick, as if it is such a feat for us to accompany their 3-4 inch girth dick. Even if the dick is slightly on the large side, that’s what the anus is for (the vagina has an end, the anus, not so much). Much like any other idea spewed by men, there are always women backing it up, so naturally there are women who pride themselves on being able to “take dick” girl, please stop. It doesn’t take much. So yea, this topic deserves to be unpacked.
It’s Rapey as Fuck!
The idea that we as women are taking dick during sex implies that sex is happening to us and not with us. Y’all already know how I feel about this, it’s important to understand how words can be weaponized to rid women of their autonomy and agency during sex. In general, the idea that women must “take the dick” when we have already consented to the sex, is a rapey concept. I’ll get into that more later, but for now, let’s talk about the one thing that most men gloss right over when they’re trying to get their dick wet. Foreplay.
Don’t Skip Foreplay
There is a common misconception that a woman’s vagina is immediately ready to accompany a man’s dick, which again implies that sex happens to and not with us. Our vaginas do not expand on command or whenever we know we’re going to have sex. That’s why foreplay is important. You can’t ram your dick inside of us and then yell about taking dick.
First of all, that shit hurts.
An unaroused vagina is roughly 2-3 inches deep, however, when aroused it expands like the fabulous little cave that it is and thus, can accompany more dick, and result in more pleasurable sex for us. Men, be mindful of our anatomy. We are not holes for your dick, engage in foreplay, so the sex can be pleasurable, because an aroused vagina is not only deeper, but it’s also wetter. Also, stop acting as though penetration is the only way we can have orgasms, because it’s not. Most women don’t have orgasms through penetrative sex ANYWAY. So you’re doing a lot without doing much all at the same time. But as usual, the blame is bestowed upon women.
Men don’t even realize that this whole “take the dick” concept is a self drag.
The quality of sex that you get is a result of the quality of dick and effort that you provide. If you’re always skipping foreplay, jackhammering the pussy, and yelling about women taking dick, stop talking for a minute and think about how you, as a dick provider, are providing le dick in the first place.
Define Your Own Foreplay
It’s not enough for y’all to kiss us, rub our clit, and then BOOM, we’re ready for sex. It doesn’t work like that, the build up and the anticipation can be just as enjoyable as the sex itself. I don’t like telling people how to have foreplay, so I won’t, but I will say that whatever you consider to be foreplay should be communicated to your partner(s). Even during threesomes, group sex, gang bangs, or any sexual activity that involves more than two people, there is some type of foreplay first. It’s up to you to decide what that is for you and your partner(s).
The beauty of foreplay is that it can be whatever you want it to be, it doesn’t have to be based on what you read in Cosmo or on my bomb ass blog 😉 it can be anything you and your partner are comfortable with engaging in. I personally don’t believe that oral sex is foreplay, by the time I’m choking on the dick, the sex has already begun. I do believe that kissing and sex-talk can be foreplay-esque depending on the context.
The last thing you want to do is pretend that foreplay is not important and then have sex with men who think that you are not sexually ept because you can’t “take dick,” which leads me to my next point.
“Take the dick” Ass Men are Selfish
I mentioned how sex can be painful for us when we are not aroused, but I wanna go deeper on this. Whether or not our vagina is aroused, men jackhammering and pounding on our cervix is not a pleasurable ordeal. That shit fucking hurts! Depending on what position we’re in, it can be very uncomfortable, so if we wince or pull away, it’s not because we can’t take your dick, it’s because it hurts! What kind of partner are you that you can’t read body language during sex? Why in the hell would you automatically assume that a woman can’t take your dick instead of asking if it feels alright? This is why having sex with mature men is the only way to have sex.
Maybe if more people understood that sex happens with and not to us, they wouldn’t be so quick to equate our wincing or lack of comfort during sex to not being able to take dick. Maybe if more people engaged in foreplay and got the pussy wetter and deeper then “taking the dick” wouldn’t be an issue any-fucking-way. Unfortunately, not only do we have men perpetuating this fallacy, but women as well. So, allow me to ask the one question that many people are afraid to ask…why are men so committed to the idea of women “taking” their dick in the first place?
Because “take the dick” ass men are selfish fucks and women acquiesce because we are too unselfish, especially during sex. They notice our discomfort and get a rise out of it…
Take this dick! | Don’t run from the dick!
They are basically getting off on our endurance as opposed to the sex itself. It’s more of, “I notice your discomfort, but I don’t give a fuck, take this dick to please ME,” (selfish) as opposed to “You are going to resist, you want me to continue, and if I go too far I will immediately stop because we have established boundaries and safe words.”
The former is objectifying at the least and rapey at the most. The latter is the only way “take the dick” should be used.
I have already consented to have sex with you, it is a given that I will be penetrated, in either my anus or my vagina (preferably both), but why do I have to be told to take your dick if I’m clearly uncomfortable? Now, this is not to say that rough/degrading sex or rape fantasies can’t be pleasurable, because it most definitely can, however, if that is not vocalized beforehand then you’re just a selfish fuck.
Navigating “take the dick” ass men takes more energy than it should, but because people don’t see women as people, it is energy we must expend. As always, I suggest communicating with your potential partners. As I stated in my first sex blog post, Let’s Talk About Sex, people who think sex happens to and not with us almost always tell on themselves. Be present in these conversations and listen for the signs, decide for yourself if that’s something that you want to take on or not, be honest.
Also, women, please stop supporting these sex fallacies because they don’t reward us at all, instead they put is in compromising positions where we pretend our discomfort is pleasure. It’s not. It’s ok to tell your partner that it hurts or you’re uncomfortable, stop believing the hype that you can’t “take dick,” you can, but in the context in which most men perpetuate this shit, you shouldn’t. Under no circumstance should you be forcing yourself to enjoy sex when you are clearly uncomfortable. You also don’t have to pride yourself on being able to be pounded on like you’re a damn piece of meat, you are not. You are a person engaging in sex, you are an equal part of the act, it should be just as pleasurable for you as it is for your partner. Remind these men to engage in foreplay, because YOU DESERVE! Just because his dick is hard doesn’t mean that you should be ready and willing to have sex. You deserve to be aroused as well. Any man who is engaging in sex where both parties are satisfied will understand this and take his time to get you aroused.
In short, stop fucking immature, selfish, “take the dick” ass men.