One Time for the Gold Diggers

I think it’s kind of weird when people call women gold diggers, because a majority of the people (mainly men) who make jokes about gold diggers have no idea what the hell they’re talking about.

The general definition of a gold digger is a woman who uses, dates, or marries men solely for their money.

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It is comical to me because men have created, continue to perpetuate, and benefit from systems that necessitate they provide for women and then they get mad when women only want them for their money.

Let’s analyze this further, shall we?

It is a known fact that women are economically, socially, and politically disenfranchised. Women are paid less than men, women are disparaged by men in every aspect of our lives, and women are not represented fairly in the political arena. As I keep saying, patriarchy permeates every sector of a woman’s life, and it is even more invasive if that woman is black, poor, uneducated, disabled, fat, etc. In order for us to navigate patriarchy and gain a semblance of autonomy, agency, and social power we have to develop survival tactics within the parameters of our oppression. Subsequently, men choose to reassert their power to dominate the narrative surrounding those tactics, hence the term, “gold digger.” It’s nothing more than a power play.

Men that call women gold diggers are either broke ass men who don’t have a dog in the fight or rich ass men who are trying to assert their power and silence/control women. Women on the other hand take the route of othering themselves from “those kind of women” because a lot of women believe that safety can be found in the lap of men. The problem is, you have to be worthy to sit in the lap of men. You have to prove yourself, and the only way to show loyalty is to hate the kind of women that men hate. (gold diggers, hoes, sluts, thots, etc.) I felt the same way until I encountered my first sugar daddy. I soon realized that gold diggers don’t exist and that the topic should only be discussed amongst the moneyed. Broke men should not be voicing their opinion on this topic because they are not and never will be the targets of the gold diggers that they hate so much anyway. Stay in your financial lane, bruh!

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Men with money understand the dynamic because they can afford to understand it. Remember that!

The definition of gold digger implies that there is deceit involved. It’s not. It is understood, because these men are willing and more importantly they are ABLE to pay women for their labor, time, and company. It is an agreement between both parties, nobody is being deceived and nobody is being used. I didn’t understand this until I spent all day with a man who pulled out a stack of hundreds and gave me half without counting it. To some that may not seem like much but I definitely wasn’t used to that. My intent wasn’t to get anything out of him, I was just hanging out and having fun. But for him, it was understood to pay me for my time and company, and since I ain’t no damn fool…I took the fucking money. But, that ain’t what this is about…

The tea is, broke men are threatened by the idea of women requesting and/or receiving compensation for the same shit that their broke asses take advantage of women for.

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Men in general are use to exploiting women so it is often hard for them to understand that women would ever request or receive monetary compensation for dealing with their ass. To them it is a direct threat to the exploited labor that they have become dependent upon. Since broke men can’t partake in the act of paying women for their labor, they resort to demeaning women instead of using their privilege to dismantle the oppressive state that women have been subjected to for centuries.

Not to mention that in any system of oppression, the oppressors directly benefit from the oppressed and therefore should be willing to compensate them for their labor ANYWAY. The same is true between black and white people, poor and rich people, and yes men and women. Men directly benefit from the oppression of women, especially rich men, them offering women money for their labor is only right. Just like it’s only right for the rich to give to the poor because the rich directly benefit from the oppression of the poor and don’t EVEN get me started on the reparations that are owed to Black Americans for the contributions we have made to these United States.

Failure to recognize this just because the exchange of money is between a man and a woman is a result of (internalized) misogyny. That’s a YOU problem.

I always side-eye women who shame other women for accepting money from men. In the context of romantic relationships, women are exploited anyway. Women who demand and/or receive monetary compensation for their labor should not be considered or treated less than those who don’t. The labor is the same. The only difference is one woman is getting reciprocation and one isn’t. The real question is: as a woman why do you feel inclined to shame women who get paid for their labor when you do the same thing for free and often without any reciprocation? The answer lies in your internalized misogyny.

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All men take up too much space and they do it with the intent to control and conquer. Given the power dynamic between men and women it is only right for men to pay for the space they take up and then pay again when they inevitably fuck up. Given the nature of the patriarchal, capitalist, and classist society that we live in I will never believe that a cishet man is not invested in the domination of women. Women that ignore this and think gold diggers are using men for money or that they are beneath them, are a result of the socialization of women. We are taught that our labor is of no value and we are expected to labor in general and for men because of our role as women. Women getting paid for their labor is just as foreign to women as it is to men. The only difference is when we as women accept this we are actively supporting our own oppression.

I understand the need to assimilate for survival the same way I understand the need to develop survival tactics to navigate oppression for survival. But it is not fair for women to invade the space of other women especially when they can be just as patriarchal as men. Just because you are ok with having your intellectual, physical, and emotional labor exploited doesn’t mean that other women are. Respect the fact that women have the right to navigate their oppression however they want. It doesn’t make them any better or less than you. As women, we are all oppressed and trying to survive, be mindful that all women aren’t going to navigate their oppression the same as you and that’s ok. What’s not ok is trying to shame women for the choices they make in order to navigate and survive their oppression.

We can’t ignore the fact that there is a power dynamic in any relationship, be it platonic or romantic, and in both cases the power holder is always greatly improved.

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The second sugar daddy I had didn’t have as much money as my first one, but he compensated me nonetheless because he understood the dynamic. I didn’t engage with him any differently than I did with my first sugar daddy. The dynamic of our relationship was based on honesty and communication, if I needed or wanted anything he came through for me, because even though we weren’t in a romantic relationship, as a woman I enhanced his life, he knew that, and he paid me for it. Rightfully fucking so.

We enhance the livelihood of the men we engage with because men learn from us, whether it is accidental or intentional.

We teach men not only because we’ve been socialized to do so, but also because it is a method of survival for us. Teaching men how to treat us, how to love us, how to process their emotions so they won’t emotionally abuse us or worse…fucking kill us. We do a lot for men because we have to survive! Asking for money or compensation for our labor is not far-fetched. The problem is men have grown accustomed to our labor and have developed a sense of entitlement. They take advantage of us and then get mad when we try to cash out for all of the shit we’ve done for them. Women, please pay attention to the entitlement of men whether they are rich or broke, because if they feel entitled to your labor you may never be compensated fairly or receive any reciprocation.

I don’t subscribe to the notion that gold diggers exist because I am aware of my worth. I expect to be fairly compensated for my labor. It doesn’t have to always be money, the reciprocation of emotional, physical, and intellectual labor will suffice but I still demand reciprocation. This is not to say that I don’t do things out of the goodness of my heart because I do. However, in any relationship (romantic or platonic) I would be doing myself a disservice if I didn’t set standards for myself. Expecting your partner to reciprocate does not make you selfish, men have no problem asking, demanding, or feeling entitled to the labor of others. They have no problem clearly stating their boundaries and being steadfast in the principles that govern their lives (no matter how fucked up they are) and I think it’s time for women to do the same. Knowing your worth is about knowing that your value and your worth as a person shouldn’t be inextricably linked to your labor.  Knowing your worth is also about knowing what you don’t deserve.

You are a person, you are valuable, and you are worth more than empty promises, exploited labor, and entitled men.

Also, it is absolutely absurd for men to assume women are “gold diggers” when we are already taking care of ourselves and expect you, as a man, to meet or exceed what we are already accustomed to.

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Let me tell y’all something right quick: if you meet a woman who is ALREADY taking care of herself understand that is the standard she is used to. Under no circumstance should you ever make her feel bad for expecting you to be at that level or higher. That is the life she has made for herself just like you are living the life that you have made for yourself. Don’t come into her life expecting her to downgrade what she’s used to because you’re misogynistic. Don’t come into her life expecting her to do labor for you for free. If you’re not able to reciprocate, be a decent person and leave her alone. If you don’t want to spend money on her just keep your mouth shut about it, because you are not going to make or break a financially stable woman because you don’t want to spend $50 on a damn meal. Step up or step aside. In general people’s conceptualization of gold digger is really just a deluxe form of misogyny and classism combined. Broke men should keep their mouth shut about rich men issues and women should be mindful that everyone navigates patriarchy differently.

The concept of gold diggers is nothing more than an agreement between the involved parties. The problem is broke men and patriarchal women, both of which could simply mind their business. All in all, there is no such thing as a gold digger.

However, there is a such thing as a survivor. If you don’t like the idea of men paying women for their labor then you should be the biggest advocate for the dismantlement of oppressive systems. Are you doing your part to ensure that women have an equal role in society or are you just bashing women for their personal choices and receiving compensation for their labor? I mean, you care so much that women are using men right? So is it safe to assume that you are doing your part to dismantle sexism, destroy the wage gap, and make childcare affordable? If not, it would be wise for you to mind your businesses and keep your fucking mouth shut.

Get into that shit!

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