It is a general consensus among the cishet romantic community that if the woman cheats it’s her fault (rightfully so) and if the man cheats it’s still her fault (nah). Now I’m all for holding people accountable for their actions, but at what point do we accept the fact that the side-chicks that so many people love to hate, haven’t done anything wrong? There was a point where I, like many cis-women, faulted side-chicks, until I came face to face with my ex’s side-chick. In typical cishet woman fashion I was ready to beat her ass but she was unfazed. She looked me dead in my face and told me “Check ya man girl, I’m not in a relationship with you.” Humbled the fuck outta me. She was right! As mad as I was at both of them, I was more inclined to whoop her ass than to even talk to him about it. Why? What did she do to me? Nothing, she didn’t even know me. It wasn’t her fault.
I felt hurt by her more than him because I expected her as a woman to be the bigger person and be mindful of the damage she was doing to another woman, thus, completely absolving my (then) boyfriend of culpability in the act.
As mad and as hurt as I was, my anger was misplaced, my beef wasn’t with her, it was with the man I was in a relationship with. At the end of the day, whether she approached him and knew about me or not, his ass could’ve said no. He could’ve been the man he promised me he would be and simply reject her advances, but he didn’t. He broke the trust in our relationship not her. I didn’t realize this until I came face to face with her and she reminded me that our relationship didn’t have anything to do with her. I couldn’t consciously stay mad at her, because she didn’t owe me anything, not an explanation, not an excuse, and definitely not an apology. He did.
I say this to say: women, you gotta hold men accountable for the shit they do.
I’m writing this post for both cishet men and cishet women, but I can’t deny how frustrating it is to watch cishet women bash side-chicks the way they do. We are the biggest perpetuators of this toxic ass shit, and it’s time to unpack this. Everyday I’m bombarded with stupid ass rants about women approaching men in relationships. It’s too easy to blame the woman your man is cheating on you with instead of confronting the person that you are in a monogamous relationship with. Grow up. These women don’t owe you a damn thing.
Stop going to women as a woman and go to your man as an equal part of your relationship.
Blaming side-chicks for having sex with men that are in relationships is a result of patriarchal indoctrination and years of socializing girls and women to be the gatekeepers of morality. It also reinforces the idea that men are expected to cheat. That is why I was more upset with the woman my ex cheated on me with than I was with him. I expected her to have enough decency as a woman to turn him down because I didn’t expect him to have any decency as a man and keep the promise he made to me to be a faithful boyfriend. That’s how socialization works.
I will never stop preaching about how idiotic it is to believe that a woman, simply because she is a woman, has any kind of inherent moral compass that always points in the direction of goodness. It is not true. We are people, we will fuck up, and we deserve to have the space to fuck up with the same social freedom as men. By blaming side-chicks for the misdeeds of taken men we restrict that freedom. They have to take on the responsibility of maintaining the integrity of a relationship they are not even apart of. It’s not fair.
There is a lot to say about women who have an inherent hate for side-chicks while willfully ignoring the fact that at one point in their adult life, they too could have been side-chicks and never known. If you are a cishet woman and you believe that all men cheat, that men cheat more than women, men are naturally flirtatious, or are womanizers in general, then how could you ever fix your mouth to bash side-chicks? How could you consciously believe that all of the men you were with were single? Can you say for certain that you have never been a side-chick ever? Do you honestly think the man you spent years building with just randomly met a woman and married her less than a year after y’all broke up? Are we ignoring logic? You need to shut the fuck up.
You are nothing more than a warrior for the patriarchy, because you are upholding toxic beliefs by blaming women for these cheating ass men. Blaming women for men stepping out on their significant others won’t make men respect you more. If a man is gonna cheat he will cheat. Not only is there nothing you can do to stop it, but it’s also nobody’s fault but his. If you are a woman and you want to continue blaming side-chicks for the infidelity of taken men instead of the men themselves then I would advise you to at least be honest about your relationships with men. Admit that you don’t love men, you love what they represent, a figurehead to complete you as a person. Admit that you seek the approval of men. Be honest, because you couldn’t possibly love men like you claim, because if you did you would hold them accountable for the shit they do. But you don’t, you try to throw it all on the woman they cheat with, you’re afflicted.
Cishet men, this should aggravate you as well. By ridding yourself of accountability you are essentially admitting the fact that you as a man have no self-control, restraint, or sound judgment. You are upholding the idea that simply because of your gender you are nothing more than lust hungry animals ravenous for women without any kind of humanity. You don’t see anything wrong with that? I know that’s not true, but y’all have to believe it and stop feeding into that shit. Let’s dive into this a bit further.
Forget the patriarchy, forget your misogyny, forget all of that for a minute and focus on the morality behind your actions and the content of your character.
As a person in a committed relationship, why would you willingly hurt and embarrass your significant other and then gaslight her into thinking that you did no wrong? What does that say about you as a person?
How can you be in a committed monogamous relationship and then allow the woman you cheated with to take any of the blame? Whether you are emotionally attached to her or not, how can you stand idly by and let another person take the blame for something you did? That is a character flaw. You are inherently a trash ass individual for relying on the protection of your male privilege so you don’t have to be held accountable for cheating on your significant other. You think that your side-chick(s) are equally responsible for the demise of your relationship, even though you’re the one that pledged your loyalty to your significant other. You think that even if you inform her of your relationship and she chooses to engage with you that she should share the responsibility in ruining your relationship. Wrong! But again, that is a character flaw.
I usually don’t engage in conversations about cheating because people are so immature and in the end, women are always to blame. It’s tiring. I get so sick of hearing men blame women for attracting men in relationships, as if those same men don’t have the ability to walk away. Watching respected women succumb to the idea that there is an inherent difference between them and the retched side-chicks of society makes me nauseous. Allow me to shed light on what most people are afraid to admit:
Men don’t consider women people. They objectify us. That’s why they lie, gaslight, and embarrass their significant other while simultaneously disparaging, lying on, and blaming the woman they cheated with, in no way do they acknowledge the personhood of the women involved. To them we exist to be consumed.
Women base their value on their proximity to men and the approval of men. Women are socialized to believe that the ultimate goal is to be in a relationship with a man, preferably be married. The nature of the relationship is not as important as the relationship itself. Therefore, it is easy for women to shift the blame from their man to the woman he cheated with.
At the end of the day, no matter how this topic is dissected, women always come up short. Until men come to terms with their objectification of women and continuous disregard for our personhood, the only thing that will change will be the way men create ways to shift the blame from themselves to the women they cheat with. Until women unlearn their internalized misogyny and recognize their worth outside of men, they will never be able to navigate patriarchy without compromising their agency and autonomy.
My motto from the ages of 18-21 was “If ya man told me he was single, he was single.”
I have been a side-chick twice, both knowingly and unknowingly. I can honestly say, when I found out a man was using me to cheat on his girlfriend I was more upset about the fact that he lied than anything else. Give me the opportunity to decide if that is a risk I’m willing to take. Don’t make the decision for me. By the time I started messing around with a married man neither one of us cared about each other enough to become emotionally attached. I also didn’t care about his relationship. We were having fun, the guilt of cheating was his cross to bear, not mine. I am aware of how patriarchal indoctrination has created a system of socialization that places women at the forefront of morality while degrading our personhood for the good of men. I reject that shit.
I. Do. Not. Care.
It is not the responsibility of single people to be concerned with your relationship or marriage.
This goes for men and women, but since the issue is only discussed when the single person is a woman, allow me to be as clear as I can. A woman, just because she’s a woman, does not have to hold the moral compass for your relationship, nor should she be the gatekeeper to keep wayward men in check. Side-chicks deserve more than that.
Even if a woman approaches a married man butt ass naked with her ankles to her ears, he always has the option to say no. If he doesn’t that is nobody’s fault but his, not hers. Even if she knows he’s married, it is still not her responsibility to usher him out, it is HIS responsibility to remain faithful. A lot of people won’t agree with this and that’s ok, the most important thing is to remember that ALL women deserve respect, without qualifiers. If you’ve ever been cheated on, understand that the woman involved did not promise to be faithful to you. You have a right to be mad, but direct that energy to the responsible party.
Side-chicks don’t owe you shit, check ya man girl.