All Women Don’t Want Children, Deal With It

Tracee Ellis Ross is goals for a lot of reasons. I have yet to hear a black woman speak so candidly about not wanting to have children or not wanting to get married the way she has. She has all my respect and love <3

10 times out of 9, when a woman says she is unsure about having children (can’t relate) or is 100% sure that she does not want children at all (me as fuck) the responses are always irritating. I don’t usually explain myself. I resort to taking low blows at the people questioning me, no matter who they are. I don’t care. I assume that’s the response they were looking for. So, if I have the time, I give them what they want. If I don’t have the time, then I make the time. When you question the motives of a grown ass adult sometimes that shit happens. I’m no exception, actually, I’m worse because if you keep questioning my grown ass, where you thought you were gonna find a polite exchange, you gonna find smoke. Tread lightly.

You’ll change your mind.

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No, I won’t. Listen. When people give you an answer about their personal lives, accept the answer they give. Mind your business and shut the hell up. I don’t appreciate being told what I will or won’t do by people who don’t know me. (Hell, I don’t appreciate it from people I do know.) I also don’t appreciate people assuming that I don’t know what I want out of my life, again, because they don’t even know me. I have worked very hard creating a life that I’m comfortable with and I’m fortunate that I have been able to do so without sacrificing my principles. I’m content with my life as it currently stands. I enjoy being responsible for only myself and the older I get the more I cherish the fact that all I have is me. A child, in my opinion, will ruin the life I have created for myself. There is nothing about pregnancy or motherhood that is appealing to me, just like there is nothing about marriage that is appealing to me. The thought of sharing my life, that I have worked so hard to call mine, with someone else is not appealing to me at all. I would never forgive myself for not staying true to myself. So, I can tell you without a doubt, I will never change my mind about having children.

That’s selfish.

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EYE AM SELFISH! I don’t hide it like most women, because I don’t give a fuck. I am what I am. But, even if I wasn’t selfish this is a rude ass response. It’s also a gendered response. Women who choose to not have children are always called selfish, men, on the other hand, are not. Even if they are, it does not hold the same weight as it does when it’s directed towards women. How is it selfish that I, a grown ass woman of sound mind, body, and spirit, choose not to have a child? In my opinion, this means that you believe that a woman, solely because she is a woman, was put on this earth only to bear children. You believe, that a woman should live selflessly because she’s a woman. As if our lives cannot and should not belong to us and only us. I got a problem with that line of thinking for a lot of reasons, chief among them is the fact that I didn’t ask to be here. I was not invited to a roundtable discussion so that my parents could ask me if I would like to be born. So, I feel like I have the right to live this life however the hell I choose to and I have chosen to be as selfish as humanly possible. Imagine being born without having a say so in the process just for some motherfuckers to tell you how you should live your life. I am not the one. I’m going to choose to be happy and being responsible for someone else would not make me happy. So, if choosing myself, my life, and my happiness, over everything else makes me selfish. I would ask that you engage in some introspection and find out why a woman, who puts herself first, translates as selfish to you. That’s more of a you problem than anything. Work your shit out and get back to me.

Why not?

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Asking grown women why they don’t want children, as if it is any business of yours, is not only highly disrespectful, but it is very telling of how you view women in the first place. It really is a testament of the patriarchal society that we live in, that a grown woman can state that she does not want to do something, and people still feel the need to ask why. The “Why” is none of your business. Women are not hurting anybody by stating firmly that we don’t wanna have children. Adults don’t owe anybody an explanation, but for some reason exceptions are always made for women. That is not by accident, but by design, because people really believe that the sole purpose of a woman is to bear children and they couldn’t be more wrong. Women were not put on this earth only to bear children. Get use to the fact that some women do not want children, for no other reason than they do not want to. Whether or not that sits well with you is not their problem. It’s yours. Ask yourself “Why” your first response after a grown woman tells you she doesn’t want children is to question her instead of shutting what I like to call, the fuck up.

At the end of the day, I know that the questions about women’s choices will never stop. Not as long as people refuse to see us a full humans. I’m not interested in having a conversation about why women should or shouldn’t have children. I’m more interested in people getting comfortable with women making decisions free of influence and societal demands. Until that day comes, (if it ever does) I will continue to cuss out everyone that questions my choice to not have children and I encourage any like minded women to do the same.

You don’t have to explain shit to anybody. Do you girl!

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Tracee Ellis Ross is goals for a lot of reasons. I have yet to hear a black woman speak so candidly about not wanting to have children or not wanting to get married the way she has. She has all my respect and love!