Fetishizing is a subtle problem in the dating world. I’m sure interracial dating, or dating a white person, is subjective for everyone. However, after my experience, I wasn’t fond of it.
I used to always think I’d date a white dude. Unfortunately, that’s the best way to put it. Throughout high school, I caught myself attracted to white guys or light-skinned Latinos in my class. I wasn’t against talking to Black men, but at that time in my life, I thought I’d have a white boyfriend. In my head, I wanted to “try” it out.
If some white guys flirted, it was on a physical tip, not really conversation with substance. I thought, maybe it was me, you know? Keeping an open mind, I continued to date black men, but didn’t mind dating a white man if the opportunity came up.
One time while in college, I was somewhat flirting with a white guy from a frat my sorority was cool with. And he said to me,
“I’d go out with you, but I wouldn’t bring you home to my parents.” Hmm.
During 2013-2014, my dark complexion being an issue was beneath the surface and hadn’t sunk in for me.
Soon after, I dated a white man. Born in Michigan, he was older and Italian-American. He was a gentleman, though. Chivalrous, considerate, seemingly lavish, but nonetheless, generous. However, the more I interacted with him, the more I realized I was fetishized. I felt I was part of a chocolate fantasy for this man.
Was I fetishizing white men when I was younger? Wanting to “try” what being with a white man was like, wanting to experience the stigma of being with someone of a different race. Inadvertently, I was and I feel bad about it now.
A lot of white men deny they fetishize. They believe saying “I love black women” takes away the fetish part. In reality, that’s the main headline. I should’ve known it was a red flag the moment he said it, and said it again, and then again. I could see he wanted to reassure me he wasn’t racist by saying he enjoyed being with black women. He made sure to let me know he has “always” dated black women and was never interested in white women; how much he loves dark complexions. Whatever.
While we were having sex, things took a left turn once he used “big, beautiful black ass” as sexy talk.
Yes. Moment of silence, please. *Face Palm* Huge and regrettable turn off.
Why was this man constantly making me feel like a melted, cherished Hershey bar waiting to be licked and devoured? My most obvious attribute always came up. It was annoying and tiring.
Despite all of that, I will say he was aware of what was going on in the Black community. Supporting #BlackLivesMatter and mindful of conversations on race. We discussed racial things with a cool aura; nothing felt out of place or wrong. He never made me feel he was trying to impress me with this type of conversation. He always approached the topic cooly, but in an informative way.
However, our unalike race and age gap was the source to our demise. Being of a different race meant we experienced different problems unconnected to each other. It was hard to understand how the other felt because our backgrounds involved different thought patterns and ways of comprehension, or why the other felt a certain way.
Some people are patient enough to teach. There are black people comfortable teaching their white significant other what being black means. It was not for me. I wasn’t in the mood to teach someone that being black was much more than just being black.
I broke things off—
not because of race exactly. He had underlying controlling issues and it made me evaluate how I felt being in his presence. I walked away from him with the understanding that I been-there-done-that and won’t look back.
It is uncomfortable when you catch on that someone wants your time and attention because of your complexion or ethnicity, not so much of you as a person. That was cliche as ever, but it’s true. This goes for Latina women lusted after for their “exotic” looks and seemingly “spicy” attitude; for Asian women tired of this made up fake “submissive” demeanor men stereotype them to be.
Reading more about African-American history changed my views tremendously.
I felt uncomfortable knowing the history of white men abusing black women and turning around trying to love or date a white man.
True and unfortunately, there is history of black men abusing black women, and I do not negate that. However, I feel comfortable being with someone of the same race knowing they have an understanding of a culture similar to mine. I feel comfortable knowing I can learn and express my black culture without having to teach someone things they may not fully understand.
If you have experience dating outside your race, good or bad, let me know in a comment below.
I started DazeInNesstalgia.com just over a year ago as a means to create a sex-positive space and share relatable stories and posts with my readers.
I have a passion for erotic fiction and wanted a safe space to do more and being romantic and lusty as always been my thing. I also created a space for others to share their own personal desires/confessions as an effort to bring about more sexual comfortability amongst each other.
For more insightful work, visit her blog, DazeinNesstalgia and be sure to follow her on social media: