A woman on Facebook posted a video with the caption,
“If you can share a bed you can share accounts”
I laughed but then I thought about the premise of this caption.
I’m gonna keep it real, there are a lot of women out here that want to be 2 becoming 1 so much that they are willing to lose and compromise everything that makes them authentically and uniquely themselves.
That’s patriarchy that has women thinking like that.
(For the sake of the topic)
If I were to get married, or if I ever desired to be a wife, the basis of that marriage would have to be 2 whole people entering a partnership of love, reciprocity, respect, and authenticity. In which case, I would not change my name, share any of my bank accounts, or do anything that would compromise my identity.
It would be against my personal principles to choose societal expectations over what I want. Due to the type of woman that I am, the type of person that I am, it would be against my nature to share my money with a man. For no other reason than:
I don’t want to.
As a black millennial woman, navigating life in my skin is not always easy. I often have to do shit I don’t want to do, I often have to put up with shit that I shouldn’t have to. So, whenever I can find opportunities where I can exert my agency and do as I please…I’m gonna do it. With that being said, it makes perfect sense why I would never join accounts with a man…
It’s simply not something I care to do.
Other women may choose differently, that’s none of my concern. My issue with this caption is the implication that a woman who is more comfortable sharing her bed than entering into a marriage and subsequently sharing bank accounts is somehow missing out on something great. Or worse, that we are wrong for choosing the less desired option.
That’s a patriarchal ass lie.
We’re not missing out on anything, and even if we were, who’s to say that we should share an account instead of sharing a bed? How are we in the wrong? Are we supposed to accept societal expectations as part of our social role, or our identity and reject what we really want? How is that even remotely fair?
My identity consists of a lot of different shit, including the way I take care of myself. Not because of what I do for a living or how much money I make but because I’m still here.
I’m still here, taking care of myself. I spent a good chunk of my early 20s battling suicidal ideations so, the fact that I’m still here, thriving, existing, and doing so on my terms is not something that I take lightly. It’s safe for me to say that I’m very comfortable with sharing my bed vs. sharing my account.
The former is on my terms, an act of an autonomous woman, and a survivor. The latter is a direct contrast to the life I’ve worked so hard to build for myself. Hard pass.
Of course all women don’t have the same experiences that I have. Regardless, their take is valid. But when I see condescending ass comments like, “If you can share a bed you can share accounts,” I have a visceral reaction, because for some women, (myself included) sharing our bed is liberating, it’s an act of self-expression, whereas sharing an account is viewed as subjugation (rightfully so, given the power dynamic between men and women).
But judging women for rejecting societal standards, whatever those standards may be, is not gonna fly. If you wanna yield to the patriarchy, then yield, but kindly keep us out of it.
Thanks so much.
What are your thoughts? Do you think that a woman should be more comfortable sharing her bed or her account? Are there other societal expectations that you rail against? Click the link below and share your thoughts to be featured on The Black Feminist Hub.